I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
