I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
