I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
