69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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