the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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