The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
