She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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