its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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