Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
