Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
