I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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