i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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