I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
