I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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