I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
