Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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