I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
