A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
