i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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