I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
