May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
