do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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