He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
