Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
