Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
