Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
