i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
