Too much gin, very little bucket
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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