apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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