I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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