Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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