Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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