She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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