I wanna bring you to show and tell
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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