I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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