they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
A+ Viking dick
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
