I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
