...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
