I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
