Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My underwear smells like fireworks.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
