So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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