she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
