i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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