I got chris browned last night
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
