i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
