I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
