i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
