Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
