watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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