the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
